The Wrap - A Scathing Assessment!

After last week's 'papering over the cracks' wrap, this week, the cracks are wider than a Mitchell Johnson straight ball. How can you lose form that badly in a week?

Hey and if you thought Johnson bowled poorly, his duck today was his SEVENTH for the year!!!! Can you believe that? Millionaire who does not really give a stuff sadly.

Ricky Ponting needs to get off the Suisse tablets immediately. Ever since he has been taking them he has gone to the Suisse shiezenhaus. Also, Greg Chappell's arrival has coincided with his customary string of failures that he brings the world of cricket...India, South Australia. He is the human hex.

Phil Hughes has played his last Test. He is frail mentally and has not hit a run this year. Who selected him? Merv Hughes could do well to seek a recall.

Ed Cowan will probably be selected for Sydney. James Anderson is having fun with our useless openers. Shane Watson played the worst innings imaginable - being dropped twice before a lame dismissal. He has more endorsements than a Hillsong preacher and about as sincere. How much does an Ashes series mean to some of these blokes?

Clarke, Hussey and Haddin did not move their feet and I hate to say it, but they looked scared. Scared of defeat and not prepared to muscle up. Dean Jones had spoken last week about being incredibly patient then reaping rewards late in the day. England listened.

Ponting is trying so hard not to play the pull shot he is playing that half rsed leg glance which he tried his hardest to get out to today as well. He has some major problems.

Sure the deck was moving around. The shade was over the ground - until the moment England batted, but their bowlers are simply better than ours. Even their reserves - Tremlett and Brosnan are better than ours.

Hilfenhaus last got a wicket in the Test series v Pakistan. HE IS TERRIBLE. He looked second and third rate against the Poms' display. Here are our stats for the 2010 year (sure, some injury affected, but look at the averages):

Hilfenhaus - 16 wkts at 43. SR of 88.0!!! has there been a worse record in recent history? (Tassie mafia looking after him. Has NEVER got five wkts in an innings in tests).
Johnson - 38 wkts at 33.55. SR of 56.
Siddle - 13 wkts at 35.69. SR of 71 (incl. 6 in one innings). Must go.
Watson - 19 wkts at 26. SR of 49
Harris - 20 wkts at 21.35. SR of 40.6.
Marcus North has a better strike rate than most of the so called strike bowlers!!!!

How will that lot get you an Ashes victory?

Look at England (who played more tests but not all against minnows):

Anderson - 56 wkts at 22.10. SR of 47.
Swann - 62 wkts at 25.85. SR 53.
Finn - 46 wkts at 26.23. SR of 39.
Tremlett - 12 wkts at 14.66. SR of 29.
Bresnan - 13 wkts at 32.30. SR of 67.5.
Broad - 26 wkts at 37.69. SR of 76.7 (injury struck before the axe did).

Steve Smith is too raw. He makes you want Marcus North back in the team. His leg spin looks like Cameron White on heat. If someone suggests Beer should have played, they should be beaten around the khahunas with a six pack. He got belted in the nets the other day and looked bad on the news report.

Clarke is also falling fast. He has a lack of starch in his character and needs to be instantly removed from 20-20 cricket or he will be just making Western Suburbs first grade soon.

It has been a cataclysmic day for Australian cricket. Possibly the worst since Graham Yallop led us to stunning defeat in the late 70's. We have a long day or two ahead. To win the Ashes from here would be a miracle.

The weather in Melbourne also looks too good to be a factor. A deserved loss is coming fast unless someone does something stunning.

Even Melbourne's crowd deserted the bastards late in the day.

Wrap - Papering Over The Cracks

1. Greg Chappell held nothing back by saying he doubted Clarke's ready to take over Ricky Ponting's mantle. Clarke should be worried. He needs some runs and quickly.

2. Only ever seen Johnson swing it back into the right hander in South Africa about two years ago. He came back well here and the newfound aggro was refreshing. The Poms don't like it.

3. Good win with Harris showing enough to stamp himself as a future leader of the attack (if injury free). Surely Beer must be replaced by Hauritz (never thought I'd ever say that!). He cannot play on the east coast. No good (flat beer).

4. We cannot afford to paper over the cracks. Hughes must give way to either Cowan or Cosgrove. No other opener in the country is doing any good. Hughes needs a bit of Justin Langer treatment (see you in 10 years). he has been lazy and not adjusted his game in any way. Getting bowled as a Test opener is terrible technique.

5. How many wickets has Siddle taken? One since the hatrick. He will go.

Nothing else. Ashes 1-1. can you believe it? Let's hope for some Pommy implosions and a wet Melbourne deck with plenty of sideways movement.

Wrap - Boring Blokes To Tears

Boys,

1. I had to hold back the tears when I saw Garth Wood (former NRL great - Souths and Easts from memory) knock down The Man Mundine mid week. Great to hear how lovely the Man is after all those inflammatory comments, political controversies, sexist statements and his ridiculous big headedness. He might be asking Sonny Bill for a bit of cash soon. A rare day from Jeffrey Fenech who backed a winner at long last.

Fenech's record is only beaten by Greg Chappell for failure. The human hex has taken over and we are yet to win a test! He is a destabiliser.

2. Great to see Botham and Ian Chappell going the biff in the carpark post Test in Adelaide. The spirit of cricket is alive.

3. Beer? Great name for a cricket jingle, but he will struggle to get a gig. 'Beer Mixes The Drinks' would be a good headline next week. WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH LEFT ARM ORTHODOX BOWLERS? (Bright, Hogan and Doherty tell us there is no way forward there). Hilditch was a compulsive hooker...now he is a compulsive spin bowler destroyer.

4. Great to see Marcus North disappear. Another lame duck WA bat. See Sean Marsh, Wood, Voges, Moody, Malone, Macleay, Gannon, Martyn as blokes who tried selector patience too often.

5. NRL. When will Tahu be cut? Put it to sleep we have all had enough. Is Inglis' contract story now the official most boring story in sport? Parramatta are the Jana Pittman of the NRL.

6. Vic Darchinyan gets done. Unlucky.

The Wrap - Timana WHO?

1. Can anyone believe that we were ever any chance for the Soccer World Cup? We are fair dinkum kidding ourselves. Blatter is a known liar and has said stupid things before. It is worse than the IOC and harder to crack. Frank Lowy has lost a lot of face. ONE bloody vote! Fancy rolling out Gillard and Paul Hogan again? Badly advised, but listen closely...can you hear the consultants laughing as they stumble to the bank with their full pockets?

2. Chelsea. Can tis overpaid lot of fools pull it together? The Russians are not going to put up with these clowns losing. They are everyone's tream because they win, butt here is little affection and warmth for this lot.

3. Sydney FC. The coach is living on borrowed time. He keeps getting thumped. Something else for Frank Lowy to worry about.

4. Timana Tahu. When is this bloke going to be barred? Parramatta are joking. He is a destabiliser and should be axed immediately. You will hardly miss his form.

5. Cricket. Poor catching kills teams. Greg Chappell has really upset the mediocre apple cart. They are all on notice and he is waiting for a huge clearance of blokes soon. Clarke is a disgrace and will come close to the axe soon as well. If his back is so good, then bowl a few overs at 1/ 580 please.

Peter Siddle. How close did this guy come to the axe (even allowing for his hat trick)? They went with Hilfenhaus, but must have been tempted to punt him. He was about to become the new Jason Gillespie (who scored a 200 and was then dropped). Has not taken a wicket since his hat trick - and will not finish the summer in the Aussie team. He is playing his farewell tour and does not know it quite yet. Has anyone seen any reverse swing yet? Troy Cooley has done a great job there. Performance pay?

Great to see gatorade still pushing the Johnson adverts when he has been dropped. He should be sacked immediately there, lest the brand look out of touch. Silly stuff.

6. How are we all feeling about Xavier Doherty? Not the answer.

7. Tiger. He is back. Beware, once on song, he will crush the rest.

8. Has there been a longer investigation than the Ryan Tandy match fixing affair? Lindy Chamberlain's case was the only one longer - and the Wood Royal Commission. Looking bad for Sam Ayoub. Noticed Parra have signed another goose who launched the betting sting.

The Wrap - Grand Slam

1. So Kevin Mitchell Junior produces his only ever pitch in living memory at the Gabba that has not seen batsmen skittled left right and centre. Now it is a road. First one since the Gold Coast Highway was built. A draw for mine, but our attack was benign.

2. Peter Siddle. Copped a bagging from me (and others) which was duly returned. I still maintain that across the series if we were each to nominate a bowler who would take most wickets, Siddle may not be the guy. I don't see many wickets near his name in the second innings. For that matter, has there been a worst game in living memory than Johnson's? A duck, a dropped catch, no wickets. Doing well.

3. Wallabies. An emphatic victory and the brightest tour for some time. Unfortunately soured by the England performance. The All Blacks have been outstanding. The work from Sonny Bill in offloading the miracle ball is amazing. Two Grand Slam's in recent years tells me they chose the right coach.

4. NSW Cricket. Stuart Clark needs to retire.Putting the (c) next to his name makes this impossible. Why do they need him with Starc, Cameron and Copeland? Hughes and Khawaja are not trying. Phil Jacques is in better form than both of them. Nic Maddison is the goods. They'd be better off selecting him. The career of Henriques is near an end. He is in trouble. Maybe a swap to Tasmania is not far away.

5. Greater West Giants. Midgets at present but signing the ex Port Adelaide coach in Williams and a few others - Silgvani et al, shows they are fair dinkum.

6. Tennis. Federer and Nadal in the ATP shootout. Could be one of the great contests. Talk of Hewitt winning another major title suddenly seems ridiculous.

The Wrap - Mafia Hits

1. TASMANIAN Cricket Mafia. OK, take me through this. Selector Boon, new recruit selector Jamie Cox, batting coach Dene (spelling tells yo they are off the pace) Hills, bowling DUD coach Troy Cooley, Ponting, Hilfenhaus, Paine then remember Krezja and the madman quick - Geeves - and think through Australia A - George Bailey. Who do they bring in this week into Australia A when there was an injury in the latest hit and run...Ed Cowan. Who is next? Xavier Doherty?

Greg Chappell needs to break this down. Maybe Akermanis will play for Australia in cricket yet after signing to join them last week in AFL.

2. I went to the GWS Season launch on Tuesday night just gone. The colours are terrible and Wests Tigers have every reason to blow up. Unoriginal. Sheedy says all the right things but there is very little Western Sydney in this outfit. They will struggle. The worst thing about their operation is that they needed a stadium in western Sydney - with a rail station nearby. They had this possibility then they move to Homebush. Sydneysiders do not see Homebush as a 'home' of anything. It is a place you go for an event only. No loyalty can be built through that venue - ever.

3. Khawaja and Ferguson. What a pair of duds! Kerry O'Keefe puts it this way: MORE NICKS THAN AN ATHENS NITECLUB!!! They are given every reason to play and they fall over at the crucial time. All credit to Hussey who like Graeme (Gra - heemee) Wood before him was able to pluck out a ton when everyone thought he was gone. North better perform too. I agree with Slats. We surrender any advantage with a soft middle order.

4. Hauritz. Flash forward twenty years. "Kids yes, Poppy is not lieing... I played cricket for Australia and can you believe they also put me on a tour to India twice..." 'That's bullshit Pop".

5. Alyce Perry has a voice on commentary that sounds like a five year old boy. Shocker. Bring back Kate Fitzpatrick or Stephanie Brantz to the commentary cheam.

6. Wallabies. Isn't the end of the season tour the same old story? It is that boring it is unbelievable. When will they take it seriously. Alan Jones is right. Too many blokes in the team. Too many combinations. If I was a NRL executive I'd be offering Giteau money to come to league. Deans has never rated him. he would be near rock bottom at present.

7. Chelsea. They have hit the wall and have some serious problems to solve before the Russian mafia solve a few of them for themselves. Ambromovich will not tolerate this slump.

Wrap - The Cut Of His Gib

1. Can Webber do it? Liking the emerging cut of his gib, but he is up aginst it. His qualifying was immensely disappointing. Red Bull do not want him beating their No. 1 driver of course either. I'm tipping a non finish for a few of them, so it could be interesting - especially if the wind/ sand springs up.

2. Parramatta signings.That just about leaves only Willie Mason and Joel Monoghan to sign now. Got Webb, Matieu, Chris Walker and every other goose.

3. Mark 'Bomber' Thompson. Has there been a greater charade and lie in sport? Here he is saying the pressure of Geelong is too much all the while having signed to coach at his former club as a player - Essendon. No credibility any more sadly. had he come clean and moved on people would have accepted that more readily. Why lie?

4. Wallabies. Rugby Union. Just when we looked like we were on the up, they lose badly. Goalkicking is terrible, but what a game - 16 shots at goal. No wonder the ground was packed. Beale our best again. Who was that fat Aussie fullback who could not run and get the Pommy winger? Hopeless. Mitchell? Go away and lose some weight. Haven't seen a slower outside back since Ross Conlon played for Australia - or Chook Herron - or Paul Carige.

5. Rugby League. Gus made a goose out of himself saying that Australia's Origin experience would bring them home. Lote was awful, Lockyer has had enough and we paid for some lame brain selections like leaving Darius Boyd out. Too many old blokes when it mattered most. Steve Kearney's stocks keep rising. Parramatta will knock that out of him.

6. Brent Tate. He is the modern day Brett Papworth. Ruined by injury and always able to secure big contracts regardless. Clever.

7. Appleby. Strong performance, but Brant choked and should never have lost in the JB Were. Tiger is not far away from some brilliance again.

8. Manny Pacquiao. There is no greater boxer on the planet. Get a look at this bloke on You Tube. Unbelievable and again a winner on the weekend.

9. Lastly, the Ashes. We are in trouble. Clinging to age again - Hussey...surely he goes. When we dominated, young blokes lifted...Slater, Hayden, Ponting, McGrath... Surely a Ryan Harris type, a Bollinger (if fit) and Hify are our pace certainties. I do not class Johnson as a certainty at all. He has LOST HIS MOJO! He cannot bat either any more.

What about an Opera House announcement before the Australia A game...arrogance and stupidity. Thank God they sacked Merv. Only Boonie and Hilditch to go now.

The Wrap - Hard To Be Humble

1. Rugby Union v Wales. Wouldn't it be a change to have a UK Tour where we won something. A good start. Beale is our X Factor. We need him firing.

2. Rugby League v NZ. A high quality game. Not a lot between the sides, but a difference in what is between their ears. The NZ team do some silly things but are willing and strong in the physicality of it all. Marshall is electrifying, but so too is Boyd and Morris. Surely Boyd needs to be in the team. Axe Choc too. Scott had a brilliant game.

3. NZ v India. The sight of Sehwag pounding the NZ bowlers reminds me of Glenn McGrath and his half century. They look hapless when they are down. Jessie Ryder batted very well, but is there a bigger goose in world cricket? He loves a drink and is bigger than Cosgrove's food bill.

4. Michael Clarke. Under fire and fair enough. He needs to scale back and fall on the sword a little - esp 20/20. A bit hard for Clarke to be humble as he is not used to it. Not getting a lot of help from Cameron White who is batting atrociously. Mitchell Starc looked sharp today. Better than Siddle and Johnson.

4A. Has there been a worse start to an International Cricket Season? We need a huge injection of new faces/ new talent. Greedy promoters with 20-20 in their sights - before blokes have started seeing the ball properly.

As soon as the conditions get tough, the Aussies make up excuses. Be it the dust of Nagpur or the dampness of the SCG, they will have a reason. Siddle cannot be picked because he bowls straight up and down and too short and Johnson still has control issues. Johnson is our big gamble. The signing of the Tasmanian bowling coach - Cooley - was perhaps our worst investment since Wests signed Denis Kinchela in 1987.

5. Webber. Can he do it? At the time of writing this, he was in trouble, behind Vettel on the grid. He is our new Jana Pittman - Dramas!

6. Black Caviar. Tremendous horse, but I'd like to see Typhoon Tracey take it on at full tilt. Disappointing to see So You Think sign with a French Rugby Club.

7. Kelly Slater - continues the famous name in sport - Robbie, Michael, and the Pakistani quick Seeya...10 world titles. best ever. Stephanie Gilmour is not bad either - and can surf!

8. Soccer. Sydney FC get lucky but need every ounce. Second last but could make a late run.

9. Joel Monaghan. Haven't seen the photo, but when is Mad Monday going to get the bullet? Fair dinkum...surely blokes can be expected to behave better than that. They are like school kids still. Great mates too throwing it up on Twitter. State of Origin and Australian player. Gone....

10. Inglis to Eels - not the Rabbits - is what I am hearing. Great to see an angry Bruno Cullen carrying on about it all. Couldn't happen to a better club.

Wrap - At Last

Boys,

1. Bledisloe Cup. A great tense win with some harder heads emerging. Great to see a kick go over under pressure. The team is certainly improving of late. NZ have a bit to worry about. Starting to see a lot of rubbish in Quade Cooper's game. Goose, but can play. Mitchell needs to improve his defence too. Beale must start - he is a winner. Forwards tough, but we go to sleep at key times. A strong result - albeit a dead rubber.

2. What about the Hong Kong crowd? Someone must be playing a big kick back to the ARU/ NZRU. It was pathetic. Why were they there? How can the game grow in our country with this carry on? If ever they needed an Aussie relevance it is now.

3. Finally Merv Hughes has been given the axe as an Australian selector! Too many tours overseas and too little knowledge of the subtleties in the game. He truly is a mug goose. See you later clown.

4. Greg Chappell as the new bloke on the block could well stuff things up. As usual - Chappel's record is terrible. He is a human curse, but has been appointed to enact change. Hilditch is under pressure. Compulsive hookers are cut from a similar gib. Nowadays instead of constantly playing the same stupid shot all the time against Hadlee, he keeps selecting teams which underperform. Old habits die hard.

However, at least we may see new names and talents emerge. Phil Hughes is overrated. The D'Costa camp practice their hairstyles and shampooing more than their batting sometimes. But Ferguson, Maddison, Khawaja, et al are the future.

Hussey and North will struggle to play in the first test for mine. North got 10 and Hussey a golden duck!! Not good timing!!!

How good is Perth cricket? It ruins your sleep for the week. 20-20 can be as big a dud as a bad ODI if too many early wickets fall.

5. Cricket. Keen to take the Indian cash at a state level but beware. What about the bad side - illegal bookmakers and the influx of Indian cricketers who will displace Aussies playing the game locally. They are not an altruistic lot and they are looking for more than just a cash handout. Self interest sails close to their hearts. This is not another pathetic call centre.

6. League. The Four Nations should never again be played in Australia. Can anyone get excited about the big buck earning players suddenly finding a pang of interest in anyone but themselves? Like a patrotic surge? The NRL is what the crowd want.

By the way, when is that bloody match fixing corruption finding being handed down? How hard can it be? It is dragging on like a Lindy Chamberlain trial/ inquest/ royal commission.

7. Surfing. A 10th World Championship? Kelly Slater is up there with Sampras, Federer, Nadal, Woods, Tendulkar, Wally Lewis as the best sportsmen of our lives. Any others? (I have overlooked Johns and can't think of a rugby equivalent).

8. Soccer. Man City are in serious strife. Mancini has lost the Midas touch. Two soft losses. Look for a change. Also, Perth Glory have given up. They are a disgrace.

9. Tennis. Stosur. No. 6 in the world! Pretty good when you consider how overweight she once was. She will not play Hopman Cup ever again now. It is the place to be seen when you are a struggler.

10. Texas Rangers coming back against the San Francisco Giants with two more home games. They are likely to square it all up very soon. One to watch. Look at their left handed pitcher, Cliff Lee. Unbelievable.

Wrap - Probably No Good (PNG)

Lads,

1. So You Think runs like a champion in the Cox Plate for one so young (dual winner now). Reminds me of me - or Damian Sligar in his prime. Having been at the Cox Plate this weekend, it was a fine run. The star of the day though was Black Caviar. If you need to back a certainty, try the Caviar. We await the return of Typhoon Tracey. It is a star too.

2. Australia v the Kumuls. Can anyone get excited about Test match league at Parra Stadium on a wet, cold day? The BASIC errors from their winger were woeful. A bit of sun was what they needed. The best league tests are in England when we are under the pump.

3. Soccer. Liking the improvements of standard in our A-League in Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne. Robbie Fowler is a clown. He was saying that Wayne Rooney was considering playing for Perth Glory if he could not secure a deal with ManU! Ridiculous. Maybe he should just try and get a win for Perth Glory who are changing coaches and changing positions on the ladder as they fall. Finally a win for Sydney FC. Bring back Kozzie!

4. Cricket. Why are we playing 20-20 cricket v Sri Lanka? Is there any sense (apart from TV ratings)? We are getting to a stage where NO Test players should be in 20-20 cricket.

5. Waiting for the announcement of life bans for the league gamblers - and the names of those drug cheats. What is it saying about Toyota Cup when players test positive regularly? Players now know that if they do not 'make it' by the age of 21, they are finished. These positive swabs are simply showing another problem in the game. GenY are not noted for their patience.

6. AFL. International Rules. What a comedy show that is. The beer must be good, because why would you go and play this and why would clubs allow their players to risk injury? Good to hear that AFL players are also doing bad things at niteclubs and overseas. For a time there we thought that it was only one code.

7. Webber. Did anyone say he was a certainty? Crashed out when a win from pole would have nearly gifted him the championship. Um....

Wrap - Commonsense Games

1. Surely we are nearing a time when the Commonwealth Games will see more 'pull outs' as their value diminishes. They will be gone soon for mine. They are a colonial overhang of an era when international competition was rare. Cue oversized Kangaroo (or was it a Koala) that winks. Corny.

These days, the opposition is poor. England in the pool have done their cash if this is as good as they get. The coverage on Channel 10 has been terrible. Ratings? Poor I bet. The crowds awful. Has anyone seen any footage of the key track events? Where are all the people - no tickets or no part of an embarrassingly poorly organised and corrupt administrative joke? Skippy Huegill a good story. Talk to us when the Olympics come around. They are the real medals. Are 10 Commonwealth golds a good thing - or a sign of old age?

2. Webber. Sitting on top after a strong second place yesterday. 14 points ahead with three races to come. No confidence in a happy ending.

3. Lowndes. A mighty victory for four out of the last five wins at Bathurst. Has it ever not rained up there? Great to see a few kangaroos on the track. They try their luck and test their speed each year. Skippy Huegill tribute

4. League. Notice the Sun Herald trying hard to expose the sham of Parramatta. fancy allowing Daniel Anderson to make big calls on personnel and having him sacked? Surely this makes no sense. Paul Osborne sounds weak to me. He is petrified he is next to go. Get ready for him to steal more stuff from Woolies when his mind travels elsewhere at the shopping centre. Kearney will do well to put up with this collection of fools for three years. The leaks out of that joint would only be second to Willie Mason's leaks in Kings Cross on the drink.

5. Australia v Paraguay. Crisp display and one where some attack and enterprise was there. The Germany loss at the World Cup still rankles as a negative Pim piece of idiocy when compared to this. No guts, no glory. "Pimbercile".

6. Cricket. Ponting in good form. Even North scored a ton. He is a Graeme Wood clone. When the career is on a thread, score a ton. That gives you five tests before another ton is needed. The batting spot of No. 6 has been the preserve of veterans for a long time in Australian Cricket - Lehman, Waugh, North...When is the youth policy kicking in?

Nathan Hauritz must be having nightmares. Ponting stupidly brings him on when Tendulkar is on 0. Soon he is hitting him everywhere. Hauritz is a good bowler to get into form by smashing. Last time he went to India he was not spotted for five years after it. It may be the same here.

7. Did anyone see the F1 driver who crashed on the 'sighter' lap before the race started? That is doing it tough.

The Wrap - Knuckleheads

1. The NRL Grand Final. How does a team that is winning at half time fall in a heap as badly as the Roosters? Interesting to note no sighting of Brian Smith at half time in the sheds. He plays a lot of mind games and they bite him on the bum eventually. In contrast, it was interesting to see Nightingale and Soward in deep discussion with Bennett and then (low and behold - who would have thought) to see two quick tries down his side upon resumption. Smith needs some outside backs. Linnet and the young winger are terrible in defence and were found out. Kenny Dowell was also ordinary when it was all said and done. Early, the Roosters were tough but Saints were powerful. The rain helped them, but always hard to blame it on the elements. When was the last sunny/ dry NRL Grand Final?

2. I am writing to David Gallop and any other Independent Commissioner (when?) about the terrible standard of pre match/ half time entertainment at the GF. I've had enough. If I see another battered helicopter and a pathetic sky diver or two I'll scream. We had the big eel in 1976 so maybe that needs to return - or the big inflatable Optus TV - or another John Williamson song when nails and screws were left on the ground. Where is the bloke holding down a net full of balloons? The "streamers and coloured paper" that Rex loved? A marching band with a big fat bloke at the front? Lionel Ritchie was fabulous "All Night Long" and "Dancing On The Ceiling" - and a great position in the crowd. Do we need another no name young Aussie band who no one remembers? IF a band exists, they play a popular, relevant song - not their next hit. Same goes for Origin too. The arrogance of the NRL is unbelievable. May it rest in peace - with a matchfixing ban or two.

3. Collingwood. Crushed St Kilda who fair dinkum must have had the bookies in their pockets kicking a million behinds early in the game. Too physical, too aggressive and too dominant. A bit like the police report from yet another sex scandal allegation.

4. Brett Stewart. Hard to know what to make of the accuser and I'm sure 60 Minutes will run a story on it soon. Could she be that deceptive and put her reputation on the line to that extent? Father was mad and the evidence did not stack up. The angst such things create seem to know no bounds. NRL look dumb - again - by banning Stewart. Surely the mantra is well known now "there is a Police investigation and the matter is before the courts, so we will reserve our judgement until the outcome is known".

5. Nick Darcy. Hard to feel an ounce of sympathy for him. he is still full of smart arse comments and scowls and carries on like a spoilt brat. he was found out mentally - something Simon Cowley saw as well. He is a prize knob and should retire. He choked worse than any other swimmer in memory. Indian bookie involved?

6. Alberto Contodor. If it is not bad meat, mum's pill (Warnie), oversexing, spiked drinks it is the coach gave it to me, food was laced, you can kiss a girl who swallows cocaine (Gasquet), oral sex gives it to you or you find it in your toothpaste. It's a scary world out there. Watch Out. The Pommie league player who necked himself last week - Terry Newton - actually just admitted he was a cheat. That's more like it. Dried caterpillars and turtle shell extract can do the trick too!

7. Cricket. Rick Ponting is culpable. His shot in the circumstances of the second innings was appalling. Australia 1-80 and he needed to consolidate sensibly to put us in a winning position (like tendulkar does ALL the time). He is going to lose yet another Ashes series. He is cranky and irrational, throwing his wicket away. Clarke is soft too. When has Clarke delivered in a test under immense pressure? NOthing much springs to mind does it?

I have also surely just watched Marcus North's last test. He lacks guts. With India about to bat, I cannot see anything but an Indian victory. Harbijan bowled brillinatly, Hauritz should visit his academy. Outside of the match fixed SCG Test, what has Hauritz done? A pretender. Was dropped last time he was in India and should be again. We need a broom through this mob before it is too late. Another Test that has slipped away under Ponting's petulant and surly leadership.

Wrap - Cultural Disrespect

1. The Roosters must surely really fancy their chances. The Dragons have a highly structured, military type approach. The trick to upsetting them is through second phase play - offloads once in tackles. The Tigers did this wonderfully well in the first half (eg. Robert Lui under the sticks for the second try) then made silly errors and fell apart. The Titans were that terrible on Friday night it defies belief. Scott Prince choked sadly. They are like an Australian Davis Cup player - losing in straight sets too often!

2. AFL. What a fundraiser! On again next week...I like it. We are fast becoming a society when we want instant results and feedback...stuff the lot of them...wait, prepare and stop whinging. The stop on the line by the Collingwood player (name - can't remember) when St Kilda looked certain to score a major late in the final quarter was clearly the play of the day. Unbelievable guts really! The AFL did not change the rules before the game so a replay it is. Players seemed more concerned about their scheduled holidays, presentation nights, etc. They did it in 1977 and before that, so toughen up. The GF replay is renowned for blow outs! Tiring of the endless anaolgies to 'war'...hardly. "We dodged a bullet", "we dug into the trenches", "it was trench warfare....". Maybe "shot ourseves in the arse" should be added as well.

At least the AFL will have more money to buy rugby league players now.

3. Commonwealth Games. What a farce! Now table tennis players are withdrawing from the team...What about the sympathy brigade saying how this is how they do things in India and a "cultural experience" is part of the trip. Where does an exotic disease fit into a cultural experience? Basic hygiene is not being observed. There is a total disrespect for OUR culture.

It is about time we stopped making excuses for sub-continent nations and brought them to heel. They wanted to host the thing so look after your hosts and stop blaming everyone else. Pakistan, Sri Lanka and India...blame everyone else and never take responsibility themselves.

Weed out the corruption and watch how much cash is available to fix up the facilities. With so many people in their population, a broom in one hand and a rag in the other could help. GET YOR HOPELESS ACT TOGETHER.

Even the MCG changerooms were full of sewage after the GF...preparing for India travelling to Australia soon for cricket no doubt.

4. Cricket. It's hard to imagine that they are safe in any way. They are truly and tragically sitting ducks.

5. Rugby Union. Shute Shield has no profile and as a result Rugby Union struggles outside of the die hard GPS crew. I get the impression far too often that rugby is happy with this. A small club of people who play a game which is becoming increasing irrelevant and bland. Who is the 'face' of Australian Rugby? Robbie Deans? Don't get me started. How many players could a regular kid in the street name in Australian - or world rugby?

6. Soccer. Loving the resurgence of Manchester City. Carlos Tevez is the real star of the EPL. He can turn a game like no other. Sydney FC need to sell a few Westfields Shopping Centres and sign him tomorrow.

The Wrap - Celebrate Good Times

1. Injuries cruelled both Canberra and the Panthers on the weekend, with key players so dominant they were left with nothing. I got the impression that the Tigers are the only team who can trouble St George. Roosters defence is woeful at times, Titans are solid but will be easy to contain I suspect. One of them will be there however. Look for the Brian Smith knockers to emerge again.

2. AFL. Collingwood produced possibly the best quarter of footy - with a bit of luck at times - in modern memory. They were dominant and blitzed the Geelong team. Ablett should move now. St Kilda won but were patchy. The GF needs to be in dry weather. If it is, the Pies will be on the Roy Dias. Rain is St Kilda's only hope.

3. Kelly Slater. On track for a 10th World Surfing Title!! He is possibly the best athlete of our time - Federer, Nadal, Woods, Jordan, et al...Beechley....

4. Jeff Fenech. When did you last see Jeff smile? On the CCTV shot at the watch shop? Outside the grocer's shop? He can't seem to get away from the controversy. Now he and Johnny Lewis are at loggerheads. Jeff is back to the courts. An annual trip.

5. Heard a funny story about the Olympics on the 2MMM Grill Team highlights today. They were hoping anyone who had a liaison/ triste with an Olympic athlete to ring in with their story. One woman rang to tell them about her work with a Gold Medal swimmer (with medal on) - and his coach - in a three way celebration! Mark Geyer said he would ring her later.

6. Commonwealth Games. Is there an event less anticipated in world sport? (other than the upcoming India v Australia ridiculous cricket series) Terror threats...exotic diseases, unfinished facilities (fancy diving from their top tower?), poor roads, poor security, bribery, oppressive heat...Who determined their suitability? Ban Third World countries from hosting such events. Simple.

7. A League. Crowds are in free fall. Surely the start of their season needs to coincide with the Hardie Ferodo 1000 when sport hits the wall and the Ford Ranger Cup is the week's highlight? Instead they start when the footy finals start to hot up. Insane.

8. EPL. Newcastle going great. Birmingham drawing with everyone again (except this weekend), Everton struggling big time, Chelsea on fire, Liverpool under the pump and Wayne Rooney exhibiting poorer form off the pitch than on it - now that is something!

The Wrap - Sweet and Sour

1. The Tigers - Roosters game was simply stunning. Possibly one of the best games we have ever seen. An exceptional comeback from the Roosters and an outstanding start by the Tigers. The Anasta field goal was outstanding to force it into extra time. The Tigers know how to get run down, sadly. Even the Rabbits beat them like that this year. They clock off. Titans looked sharp but away from home they will fall apart. Raiders look stronger than I can ever recall. Panthers need a new halves combo and tries scored from bombs need to be two points. Clearly. Dragons still favourites.

1a. Not watching the Wallabies meant the remote control was simply in overdrive between NRL-Wallabies-Swans. Rarely has the tele had to work harder!

2. The Swans. Squandered a big lead and fell short. Certainly improved this year, but a familiar story. A great ending and exciting to boot. Bulldogs look sharp but can't see them beating Collingwood and Geelong.

3. Is anyone getting the feeling that no one thinks the Wallabies can beat the All Blacks - ever. The media say things like 'we played really well, but weren't good enough', the commentators say 'we tried hard' and the coach says it in code and in his body language. The crowd don the scarves and caps and have a beer - but lack absolute passion. Bledisloe matches are getting like One day Internationals. No one remembers the last one. The players lack belief - NZ don't. It is exactly the reverse when we play them in cricket and rugby league.

4. Is there something ironic about Asif Mohammed protesting he knew nothing and had no idea where his four mansions came from? AS IF, AS IF...

5. Another spolit (good looking yes) brat falls foul of Twitter. Stephanie Rice. Sweet and Sour on that rice love? Predictable?

6. Sam Stosur now knows how Wendy Turnbull and Lleyton Hewitt felt for years as our only half decent tennis player. Is Bernard Tomic still alive? He's the new Barney Haslett.

7. Is Todd Carney truly our best NRL player - or is he just a good redemption story?

8. Sydney FC. Can they get any worse? The coach wins a comp and now can't win a trick! The axe will be the next thing he wins - and a one way ticket home.

Wrap - Retreads and Revisiting Damaged Goods

1. Thank God the altitude excuse has been put to bed by the Wallabies. It does funny stuff to our blood. We score heaps early and then go to sleep. Apparently Brookvale Oval is similar. Beale showed some steel. He needs to be in every team. When he plays we actually look good. If Quade Cooper goes to Parramatta, Parramatta Jesus will walk on water.

2. Bulldogs land on 22 points - 2 behind Parramatta. Disgrace. For Parramatta they lacked go forward. Their defence was third best in the league. Just could not score points. What do you do about it? Offload backs and get more forwards is the brainstrusts reaction. Incredible.

Look for Tahu to actually score a try or two in 2011. His contract is up next year and he has a rich history of producing when money is at question. Reddy? Won't win a comp for you. Burt - needs to retire. What about Carl Webb and Reni Matieu (brother plays tennis for France - Paul-Henri) signings? Let's look for every retread in town and sign them and let blokes go who can play. Lean times.

3. 30 points for an NRL semi birth - 15 wins out of 24 games. Seems easy enough. This semi final series looms as one of those years no one will remember with so many out of town teams (Warriors, Titans, Raiders). Dragons to win for mine.

4. Cricket. Pakistan breed them with lies on their birth certificate and it does not get any better from there. 18 year old fast bowlers who are actually in their mid 20's. The thought of their High Commissioner saying it is a lie tells you everything. It is rotten to the core and as I have often said, a TWO BOB show. Maybe a TWO MILLION dollar show now.

5. AFL. Cracking game Swans v Carlton. Also Geelong are far from finished. How come Western Bulldogs continue to disappoint? They are serial semi disappointers. Freo look OK too. Collingwood the favourites.

6. Tennis. Sam Stosur looking better but she is loose (don't tell too many people). Wild backhands. Won't last.

7. Have a better week than Ryan Tandy. Apparently he backed himself for first try scorer today v Manly as well. Maybe they will look into that one as well.

Wrap - Having A Crack

Compliments to Dolf on the cracking standard of The Wrap in my absence.

1. NRL. Is there a better sight than seeing Manly get their tails kicked? Brian Smith will go close to the coach of the year. Canberra's Dave Furner will also be there too. They could be very good once Brett White and Blake Ferguson arrive there in 2011. Dugan is a special for the dally M Award this year.

Neil Henry from North QLD should get the Worst Coach of The Year Award. He has been awful. His players have been worse. Thurston will be regretting his decision to re-sign with them. Bowen is finished too.

2. Has Melbourne Storm sorted out its roster for 2011 yet? They seem very reluctant to cooperate and are trying the usual out of town concession/ even break argument. They have fallen apart this year and are getting a taste of how it feels to be on a level playing field. Funny how other clubs have had to endure this.

3. Can't see Tigers, Titans or Panthers troubling the trophy engraver this year. Roosters and Dragons have shown more steel than most - and more frequently. Warriors too. They can lift when it matters.

4. AFL. Crowds are increasing each week and the Swans have limped over the line. The competition is clearly not even based on draft picks and salary cap. The Swans should be smacked by Carlton next weekend, but they have surprised by making the semis at all.

5. Wallabies. Robbie Deans has the worst record of any coach in our time. Did anyone see the Foxtel interview with Deans? He basically could not answer this question: "Will Australia win tonight v South Africa"? His answer revealed a fair bit about his faults as a coach. He showed little faith in the team and covered his own rs by saying "We have certainly prepared for victory". A win Robbie? No, so long as you have done your best and your job is safe....He needs to go. We need an Aussie in control. If I hear altitude as an excuse for our woeful performances I'll scream...Quade Cooper should get out while he can.

6. Match Fixing. What about the predictable match fixing involving the greatest cheat of them all "Asif" - even Aamir is in on it. The cheating bastards then head to the boundary for sawdust blaming the conditions - too slippery! He's gone for drug offences before too. No balls being bowled at key times for key punters. Expect the echo of gunshots soon and one less fast bowler. The Ryan Tandy one stinks too. He transferred from Melbourne mid season so he will be well versed in undermining the rules and stretching the truth.

7. Mark Webber. A perennial favourite with the Wrap for his ability to flounder under pressure. He is showing a striking amount of ticker however of late and seems to be delivering when it counts. Now having said that, look for an early exit....

8. Tiger Woods. Is he becoming a joke? Hard to imagine how he is viewed other than comically by other players after his exploits. I suspect he is not the only one in world golf with this lifestyle.

9. Cricket. Can anyone believe the appointment of Greg Chappell as a selector for Australia? Everything he touches goes to mud, yet he keeps on getting his name into all manner of great high profile jobs in world cricket. He is cursed. By the way, Tim Neilsen has secured a contract extension till the end of 2013. That will coincide with him having presided over three Ashes losses. He is a joke too.

10. Interesting to see Rudi Koertzen bagging Aussie cricketers so soon after his retirement. He is the worst umpire seen in a very long time in world cricket.

11. Looking forward to more sackings - coaches , players, officials - stories emerging. They are popular this time of year.

The Wrap - A Pain In The Butt

1. If there is one certainty in world sport, it is that England will amp themselves up for a major sporting contest (eg. Ashes) and tumble soon after. Fancy Salman Butt...no relation to Ejaz Butt...making an rs of himself telling the world that England are better than Australia. I would have thought he may need to concentrate on his own batting failures and team capitulation in his second Test match as captain. Especially when leading a team of pre-eminent failures and under achievers. There will be no wickets like these seaming paradises in Australia.

2. Bledisloe. How many times have Australia beaten NZ in rugby since we can remember? Night tests? Regretably, we are certain losers. The brutality of the NZ players and their relentless defence is incredible. We were soft in defence too often. If the All Blacks don't win the next World Cup it will be the greatest upset in the history of rugby.

3. Brisbane Broncos looking strong once again. An incredible club really. Roosters also looking stronger each week. Canberra, Souths and Eels all gone. All now walk the tightrope with the Bulldogs. The eight for mine will be: St George, Roosters, Panthers, Broncos, Manly, Tigers, Titans, Warriors. No Eels. Two blokes we are all heartily sick of: Jonathan Thurston and his whinging and Damian Irvine at Cronulla. In fact, any story from Cronulla. Would anyone outside of Fugee and Dolf care if the Sharks folded?

4. Interesting that despite the theatrics to try to convince us otherwise, the Melbourne Storm are falling apart with great haste. Blaming, backbiting and cash curiosity has justifiably taken hold. The Storm are losing players they should never have had. Let's see how they go now. Probably still pretty well mind you.

5. AFL. The Swans need a clear out. The Roos early retirement announcement like most announcements like this, simply manifest under performance. Either shut up and coach until the end of the season, or retire and move on. Roos has provided his whole team with an excuse. They are happily taking it! On the other hand, Collingwood and Geelong look like dead certs for the GF again. West Coast set for their first wooden spoon.

6. Gotta love a suck up tour like when the IOC, Commonwealth Games or Soccer World Cup FIFA clowns do a "visit" (code for junket) to look at possible host cities. Tokensistic environment angles, indigenous music/ dancing, young player and 'superstars' are rolled out for everyone to shake their heads and wonder where decency starts and ends.

7. EPL restarts soon. Great to hear. The A League also starts and once again, no one really knows any of their superstars. Why is that? (not many I realise, but...).

8. Stosur. Doing great things till the semis but cannot put the trophy in her kit bag. Good way to earn a living, but a short stay at the top for mine if she cannot crack higher honours more regularly.

9. Webber. He strikes me increasingly as the villain in the whole Red Bull division story with Seb Vettel. He is less than up front for mine and was signed as No. 2 driver, which he deserved. He might need to shut up and accept the fact that at the moment he is in the best team and cut out the back biting with others. Look at Schumacher. He now knows how hard it is to drive for a weaker outfit.

The Wrap - Hitting The Wall

1. OK, take me through this....Ponting wins the toss and AGAIN bats on a greentop. Has he learned nothing since the last Ashes tour? This bloke has not been to Tasmania for many years clearly. He has not played on the Gabba in the shield season enough. He cannot see a green top if it was to spit on him. His clangers as a captain are mounting and his time is short. 88 all out is unbelievable. Losing to Pakistan is a disgrace. We lost 20-20's, ODI's and drew a stupid Test series. Hopeless. Ashes favouritism all with England.

2. Can anyone remember us winning a Test with Rudi Koertzen in charge of a game? His decision to award a 'no catch' on Akmal with 15 to get was a disgrace. The dubious nature of his decisions will not be missed when he retires. He took a stump after the game in his last Test match. Most Aussies wanted to put it through his head at the end of the game. He is one of the worst in world cricket. Kamran Akmal is a cheat too. Clear catch by Hussey. Michael Clarke dropping catches at the death reinforces his lack of readiness to be skipper. We are in trouble when or if he becomes captain. Will Peter Siddle come back? North MUST go. Steve Smith's innings was breathtaking. He is a class act with a long Test career ahead of him.

3. Hayne. Concerned about the frenzy of the dopey press. The airplane nonsense needs to stop. However he is a freak. His combination with Inu is unbelievable. Inu is our closest player to an exceptional AFL talent. He can kick, catch, is fast, mobile and freakish. Talk of 2009 being repeated is way premature. Lose two games and they are gone.

4. Rugby. A comprehensive win by the Wallabies with the South Africans hugely disappointing. None from three sees them nearly gone, but home tests in SA are hard to win! Getting rid of Quade Cooper for two All Blacks Tests (by two NZ judges) is convenient. bad tackle however. Once again the Storm v Panthers game trumped it for speed, engagement and entertainment. The Smith one on one steal, the Cronk 40-20 under pressure and the fast finish was superb. Lachlan Coote is fast but too small for first grade and needs to bulk up.

5. AFL. The Hawthorn stuff up with the interchange defies belief. A few heads should roll. They roll when someone puts 2 bucks on a team so this should earn a life ban. Swans - shut the joint down after that effort. Melbourne's recovery from last year has been highly significant.

6. Paul Briggs will be very rich soon....as soon as the Indian bookmakers catch up with him. Danny Green's back pedal was one of the best ever. better than Asotasi on the bike. One minute he is saying Briggs has no chance of earning a cent and the next he's recommending brain surgery. Danny Green needs to lift his game. Briggs was a dunce taking him on, but Jeff Fenech was in his corner pre fight and backs more losers than Ray Dufficy. Fenech is fast losing his reputation. Green needs to enhance his now.

6. Tour de France. Can't help but be mistified by the circus at the end of each stage. The course, while famous and traditional, needs to have fewer riders for mine. The quality of the synthetic drug industry has improved wonderfully for too many riders.

7. Panthers hitting the wall. They turn it up at the end of the game. they have no commitment when it counts and are a 65 minute team at best. Canberra are looking good for the future. Cowboys. Can they throw a game better than most? Up by 12 with 8 mins left - another 60 minute team. Surely the Titans cannot win the comp. They seem to aim up with the higher placed teams however. Bunnies strong but too hot and cold. Tigers due for a loss and delivered nicely. Steve Matai is one of the greatest fools in the game.

8. There was an excerpt from John Elias' new book in the Sunday Telegraph and the Souths v Wests game and the planned match fixing. Riveting stuff, but oh so corrupt....

Wrap - Honesty and Victorians

1. Melbourne Storm...pause..listen...can you hear the laughing...it's Deloitte's. What the hell did that report tell us? It told us that the directors of the Melbourne Storm have more money than sense and should have gone and apologised to the NRL public. It probably also told us that outside of Keith, everyone now believes David Gallop probably got it totally right. The 'sorry' is deafening in its absence.

2. Now speaking of Victorian frauds, what is going on with Dean Jones - 2007 Victorian Father of The Year (no less). He is fair dinkum kidding. An affair, a love child, a dispute over cash and maintenance. He comes across as a sour whinger, but his 'terrorist' comment about Hasam Alma was also terrible. Apparently there was also a story of his behaviour at Jim Higgs' (yes, that one who bowled like Peter Sleep and got fewer wickets and could not bat) daughter's 21st birthday party a few years back..? Come in Keith?

3. Shahid Afridi. Not only does he bite cricket balls, but he is brilliantly honest. When interviewed post test loss to Australia, he basically said: "Look, I simply do not have the temperament for this form of cricket. We need a good batsman or a bowler to do this job. I'm not the man". We agree.

2. Marcus North. More wickets than runs. A problem child. The biggest problem we have is Simon Katich who has a curse we have all dreamed of. Can't get over 90, but always getting 70 or 80.

3. Hilfenhaus injured yet again. The new Watson.. Tuiaki from the Tigers is the only one with a worse record.

4. Rugby. All Blacks awesome starting point. Super 14 champs, but Test chomps. The All Blacks are suddenly engraving their name on the trophy. They are the best and will crunch us!

5. NRL. A Penrith collapse to rival no other - at home in front of a record crowd. Pathetic. Quality of the Roosters v Bulldogs game was exceptional. Tough and brilliance from Minichello, Kimmorley, Idris, Myles, Carney, Anasta...Possibly the most open NRL premiership for some years...Tigers? Broncos? Roosters? Warriors? Sea Eagles? Dragsters?

6. British Open. The conditions are unbelievable at times on this course. McIlroy 63 to 83 the next day. John Daly has returned to form. Hide your cameras from the beast.

7. UFC. Has anyone seen this stuff. This is the real deal.

8. Everton. What a visit to our shores. Not one bit of publicity. No one really even knew they were here. Poorly managed and not on TV! Incredible. Greedy guts promoters.

10. Swans. Bounced back and a strong win v Carlton. Maybe not down and out just yet, when their season was spiraling out of control.

The Wrap - Chucker's Delight

1. Make no mistake, NSW were thrashed by Qld. Ennis lucky to have
reached his car. What about dropped ball from kick off, kicking out on
the full, poor mullygrubbing drop kicks. The defence by our no 12 on
Slater was appalling.

2. NRL. 'proud of the boys tonight. We turned up but were just not
good enough on the night'. CODE: we are a pack of duds who had no
chance and I am not prepared to offend the players and lose my job.

3. AFL. It is all well and good for the Swans to win hhis week. Last
week they cost me $300!!

4. Murali. Thank God he's gone. He's cost Darryl Hair and John Howard
their cricket careers. Good riddance you whinger! No one will ever
beat a chucker. How must Ian Meckiff feel? Thank God Bangladesh turned
up, otherwise he would never have beaten Warnie.

5. Paul The Octopus has joined our Punter's Club. A bastard to feed
but worth his weight in krill.

6. Sulemam Benn. Could go down as one of the fieryest offies to tweak
a doorknob. Stormed a dressing room like Brian Macmillan. No gun.

7. Rugby Union. When will NZ ever host a daytime test? Is there
anything more boring than Tri Nations? They have the draw wrong too.
Why play NZ v SA twice in succession? Get a grip. How happy would you
be if you were negotiating a new SANZAR TV deal?

8. Saw a great bout the other night: fat guts v Sonny Bill. Top show.
Let's put Mundine et al to sleep.

9. What is the future of Australian Golf? Does anyone care? This sport
needs an injection of something - or a few sleeping pills.

Wrap - Persian Rug Sale

Boys,

1. FIFA. The comedy show continues. Balls landing two metres into goalmouths for a 'no goal' ruling, referees looking like they do not know the rules, massive inconsistencies.... How about the Uruguayan handball joker, Suarez. Same penalty as Harry Kewell. Don't feel too sorry for him as Kewell was sent off v Ghana - Ghana got to feel what that sort of robbery is like. The rule there if it is deliberate should be: GOAL COUNTS and then PENALTY SHOT as well. That could ruin a bloke's career and make them think twice.

2. Germany score 4 goals against us, England and Argentina. We're in good company there. How about Maradona? He will be brushing off the air rifle for the press back home. He looked like the bosses may not have been happy with him. The losing soccer/ football coach looks like he has just paid full price for a Persian rug and has then seen it on the roadside at James Ruse Drive for half what he paid!

3. Serena Williams will become the best ever. Her power is awesome. She's won it four times and been runner up twice. Why is it that almost every year, the loser in a women's Grand Slam final turns on the waterworks? They usually do this after getting smashed ...think Jana Novotna, Lindsay Davenport, Henin...Zvonareva. (Still waiting to see someone retire in a Grand Slam when well ahead on the scoreboard....as if).

4. Swans. Occasionally you get the impression that a team is sick of the coach. The Swans were 30 points ahead leading into the last quarter. They got rolled by Richmond of all teams who to be fair have rallied of late since their axing from the comp was called for. Roos must have shown some different pictures this week...like melting icecreams, cushions and other items of absolute softness. Incredible. They are sick of their coach. Folding like that tells you. They lost all intensity...I'd check player betting accounts personally.

5. NRL. Split Rounds must go. They are that boring - especially when Origin series are decided. We need all players on deck before dead rubbers. All teams must play each week. Bring on a new home/ away for all teams on a two year cycle. Play home in 2010 - play away in 2011 OR Play teams once and then half twice....what about everyone twice? NBL, EPL, MLB all play a squillion games - even the NFL....is rugby league too precious?

6. Andrew Johns. Not 'shattered' just yet, but drip feeding the depression stories and 'struggling' angle. Are we meant to be sympathetic? Pass the Kleenex.

7. Watched Hussey bat on the weekend. Very strong after a string of lower scores. Ponting is the concern. He has had enough but won't admit it. England have a bit more steel. Swann is the key man for them. He believes in himself and has a bit of 'Aussie' strength and resolve. Steve Smith could be a hit as a leggie. Would like to see him bat properly however. He swats at the ball and craps around at the crease.

8. Parramatta. How can a side with the depth and expense for signings go so poorly? Ever since Inu, Mateo, Keating, et al all have left, the cue has gone into the rack. They are a disgrace. Hayne has been a joke all year. Anderson was mild. Can anyone explain how a slow running back of the ball from a kick return does anything to thwart the defence? A big head who is in line for the most overrated player of 2010 (or Mortimer).

9. Did anyone miss the Test Rugby this weekend? NO, thought not...

10. Tour de France. Toughest show on earth. Phil Liggett is the Richie Benaud of the show. Classic voice.

The Wrap - Garner Win

1. Is Jana Rawlinson or Anthony Mundine the greatest clown in world sport? Fancy Rawlinson saying she will run under the British Flag in London? With breast implants - or without? Married again or single? Married to the same bloke again - or some other bloke? In the Woman's Weekly or not? She is a disgrace. No doubt she will be injured and not available as usual. A knee? A hamstring? Using Flintoff-King as coach - or hubby? This week's husband or next week's?

2. NRL. A weekend for upsets, but surely the Eels are gone now. Mortimber must return to five eight and Robson to half. Why that needed to change I would never know after the success of last year. Matt Keating could not be that bad. Anthony Watts from the Cowboys has been sounded out and he goes well. Losing Kris Keating is probably not that bad - nor is Eric Grothe's imminent departure. I can't see them scoring points enough to win. Losing Cayless and the rest might just cover up the salary cap problems. Tahu should go as well. he is a dramatic liability unlikely to regain his best form. Seemed like he wanted a few paid weeks off to me. Hope Osborne doesn't walk out of Woolies again in worry about it all.

3. World Cup Football. 'Pimbercile' 'Verbleak'. He deserves the lot. A hell of a lot of his negativity and lack of belief in our ability v Germany cost us big time. Looking forward to a new coach and a new breed of players. England v Germany should be a good contest. A huge exit will be made by one or the other. Funny about England. A team of champions or a champion team? Can Harry Kewell do us all a favour and shut up until he plays a full game for Australia and wins us something?

4. AFL. These reduced rounds of games are killing the footy codes. Why does AFL need this? No Origin or national team representative fixtures. Not a little tired are they? Pass the tissues. Collingwood have condemned the Swans to late season fodder. Fancy getting a newspaper picture printed off mid game and using it to damn players? Roos lost the plot and they then went worse.

5. Argentina. Big week for them. Warming as favourites for the World Cup, beat France in rugby (how bad is that nation going at present?) and getting thumped in the basketball v Boomers.

6. Rugby. The sport is doomed. The penalties are out of control. Rugby referees are the only referees in world sport who see themselves as the stars. The whole presentation of medallions to officials needs to stop worldwide (cricket, tennis, etc). Put them in a PostPak and send them mid week. Keep them off centre stage, tell them it is about entertainment and change the bloody rules to do this easier. The best ref/ umpire is one unnoticed.

7. Cricket. Is it just me or is Ricky Ponting looking and sounding like he is ready to lose another Ashes contest? I am out on him. His form has been AWFUL. We have clung on too long and now we will pay as the Poms did with Gatting/ Fraser/ Botham/ Gower who were towelled up eventually.

The Wrap - Time For Reform

1. FIFA have a lot to answer for. Fancy claiming to be 'The World Game' and consistently delivering stuff ups and referee errors. The Kewell send off was technically correct (if it had indeed hit his hand deliberately), but the inconsistency from one game to the next, from one referee to the next...of tackles from behind, etc is ridiculous. It is hard not to get the impression that if you are NOT a European country you can live with a rough decision...or two...or three...Blatter is a clown. Video ref surely should be in place. Let's watch for a monumental goal line dispute or a hand ball in a semi...

2. What about the weather in South Africa? Blazing sun every day. Blaring horns every other day. Pretty good. Must be due for rain at the finals time. Look for the SCG Trust to ban those horns, sunshine and fun this summer.

3. NRL. Hard to believe that the full story has been told with the Tahu issue. The thought of it being resolved through the Equal Opportunity Human Rights Commissioner sounds a bit overblown. The stand has been made, milking it could backfire.

4. In the modern sporting context, has any team actually done any better since the advent of nutritionists, suit wearing blokes with fancy glasses and clipboards, forwards and backs coaches, specialist coaches for scrums, halves, kicking, farting, multiple trainers and 'staff' who seem to be on the gravy train? In rugby when there was a coach, manager and a doctor, we actually did better. Are they necessary - or is it the best way to keep the coach in a job? The cost of getting rid of the lot makes him more secure?

5. AFL. Richmond are hitting their straps (at long last) and a young West Coast side look good things for the future. They ran out of legs v the Western Bulldogs who were under the pump till half time. Port are shot. North remain tough. In between there is any number of boofheads who are trying to make AFL a joke. Fancy Dipper handing out racial insults? Should have started with their drug policy.

6. Cricket. Can anyone explain why a one day series in England at this time of the year is important? Maybe we may get a World Cup out of it one day after India have squeezed every cent out of the game and 10-10 is the next big thing.

7. Rugby. Giteau's miss and smile in front could be a source of investigation by the Pakistani Cricket Board. He will get a permanent ban forever under those standards. Good to see a few penalties from yet another over zealous referee right at the death with a couple of minutes left on the clock. That is vintage rugby. (By the way, have a look at Invictus if you haven't already...Lomu looks soft unfortunately).

8. NRL. Does anyone get the impression that teams like Penrith, Tigers and Rabbits - all of whom may make the semis - will get run out of team quick smart when that happens. They lack a toughness and flair when the whips are cracking. Dragons should be at 1.01.

Wrap - The Queen's Birthday Suit

1. NSW Origin. They are a rabble. They select 21 players - Dolf was named as well but was injured and unavailable. Geoff Carr wantes to ban blokes mid season and then Joey passes stupid racist comments as a coach and leader of a team with Hayne/ Tahu/ Learoy-Lahrs (all of NESB heritage) and players leave a camp that they clearly believe is overcooked.

Joey has too much to say on the field and believes he can manipulate young Gidley. They name the skipper on the bench - because Johns is on the field. Ridiculous! Then NSW pick Joel 'The Dud' Monaghan as his replacement!! Try Brett Morris...Michael Jennings....surely a hundred blokes before Monaghan. They tried Steve Turner (Origin dunce) and the Wolfman who made more errors than Dr Patel in a Bundaberg hospital. Monaghan is the next to make a goose of himself. He was sacked last year from Origin I.

2. Tahu's Sudden Exit From Camp. Tahu sounds to me that he has heard a lot of this before from Johns. I suspect he knows a lot more about Andrew Johns than most people and I reckon he has had a bootful. How many times can Joey say "I'm shattered" and actually mean it? He is a dead set goose. Seems to be a bit of a family trait. His comments seem to indicate that he was "ignorant...of sensitive issues" (like racism. Can he be that dumb? Channel 9 will do well to retain him - again...and again...what's next? A story about his depression and regression and another photo of him in his wetsuit at the beach? Deservedly sacked. Good riddance.

3. Folau. What a schemmozzle. Make a clear rule at the start of the season - then everyone knows. The NRL are too busy changing the rule about cornerposts. They have lost the plot. How bad were the Rabbits yesterday? They are a disgrace. Unbackable Jeckyl and Hyde.

4. Rugby Test v England. Quade Cooper is a star and our backs are shaping up well. The forwards are awful really. No tough props who dominate. Who was our last super prop? Topo? Young? Ref was a pain in the rs as usual in Internationals but at least we scored a few. This nonsense about penalty tries is getting out of hand.

5. Swans. This team has more pace than most, but lack size. Still, doing enough for a minor placing. in the semis. No shortage of energy. Hawthorn on the charge and improve but Geelong should get the flag now. They will kill everyone again. Is the draft working? Some Carlton improvement, but the Roos seem to be the team which has the most true tenacity and killer in the whole comp. Richmond winning on the back of Reiwoldt (Jack)...nice stuff. Bulldogs finally get their act together.

6. World Cup. South Africa unlucky. Mexico a good outfit. France a joke (ever since Senegal beat them). England's keeper - "TOO GREEN!' (A shocker). How often does the shocker come out in a World Cup? Too often for some. USA will surprise. They were red hot for Australia too.

7. How many times can Federer clean Hewitt up in his career? Try as he might, Hewitt is on the slide. He is solid, but needs much more spark these days to cut it with the big boys. What is it about Andy Murray? He is as soft as Henman was before him. By the way, who is Gery Weber? Does a mean BBQ apparently.

8. Mark Webber. Hamilton is striking back, but if Webber wins the thing this year, I will need to change horses and get off him. Surely calamity will follow him. Was a reliable ball boy however.

9. Getting up for the Germany match. 4.30am will test anyone. SEnd a text or two. In the uni days, this would have been a big event. Quality fillies there as well no doubt.

10. By the way, what did you buy the Queen? A new flag? Did you see Duckworth - Lewis (Pommie statisticians) both got honoured in the UK Birthday honours list. Possibly because England won the World 20-20 Cup on the back of its ludicrous adjustments. Apparently they only get 8/16ths of the medal each, despite seeming certain winners.

The Wrap - PowerPlay

1. Having won the U/15 Parramatta Marist Tennis Titles at Toongabbie Tennis Centre in the howling wind back in 1983, I feel I am well placed to comment on Stosur v Shiavone. Shiavone attacked the net, was aggressive, volleyed outstandingly and showed the grit and determination befitting an Aussie. The shot of her brown face (Dolmio grin) from kissing the dirt was not the most pleasant one. For Stosur to say she 'didn't get much wrong' is worrying. She tried to power Shiavone off the court, was found out with accurate returns of ball in play and played like a millionaire - esp when up 4-1 in the second set. She has some mental issues to sort out, but at least got there.

By the way, look out George Rose...Mary Pierce delivered the winner's trophy and fair dinkum looked like she had swallowed ten tennis racquets. Her rse needs a postcode.

2. Israel Folau. He will struggle to carry the bags of cash to the bank and will be out of action more than in action. A huge signature, but like every other bloke who leaves...so long and who is next in line to take your spot. Gasnier, $onny Bills, Rogers, Sailor, Tiquiri...has anyone missed them? Elsom also went to Rugby....

4. Brent Tate is one of the most injured in the history of the NRL. Broke his jaw on the weekend. Put him down for the best injured XIII of all time.

5. Love these Wallaby tests v Pacific minnows. We all slap our backs and say how great the team is going until we get a touch up from someone half decent. Why the Pacific nations are not in the Super 14 - or Tri-Bi-Quad Nations is unclear. Typical Rugby snobbery. Perhaps as more TV's are bought over there this will change. Where's Rupert when you need him? At the chapel again?

6. Greg Norman is truly on the nose. He seems to have lost every bit of Aussie and instead rates himself far too much. Where is the Aussie bloke who takes the p iss out of himself? Has he ever laughed at himself? He is a yank and a business man and somehow we need to suddenly get excited about him hitting a golf ball here. Does anyone you know actually go to watch the golf live in Australia? I am sure someone must know someone....a sport in free fall.

7. Pim VerbEEEEEEEEk. What about his reaction to one of the poorest games since his inception as coach..."Just what I wanted (a deserved loss 3-1 to the USA?) and we are in a good space'. He is fair dinkum kidding. The sun has gotten to him. Lucas (Overrated) Neil and Craig Moore were terrible. Vince Grella played like a schoolboy and should be dropped too. On the other hand, Parramatta Jesus himself - Joshua Kennedy - missed more shots than Roger Rogerson. He could not hit water if he fell out of a boat.

8. League. Titans look scrappy. Manly awfully inconsistent and only playing half a game still. Canberra loose and Penrith methodical (looking forward to seeing them play someone decent- have had the draw from heaven). Cronulla look stronger since Ricky has removed the pressure on them. Roosters still have major defensive problems masked by early season hype. They are really little better than 2009. They need a clean out.

However is it true that Smith, Slater, Inglis, Finch, Cronk, Blair, White all played and were soundly beaten by Parramatta? Maybe they were all trying to work out whose contract is at whose place? They are all being undone at present - a bit like Underbelly at the moment.

9. AFL. Bulldogs finished. They cannot play when the whips are cracking. Pre season winners however so they should be happy. Even Adelaide and Richmond are picking up their acts. St Kilda the sleeper. Collingwood flashy. Swans are just.

The Wrap - Missing The Mark and Old Legs

1. Clearly we are going to look back on some of the current Queenslanders in State of Origin and acknowledge them as legends of the game (Slater, Inglis, Folau, Lockyer, Thurston, Smith esp.). They were dominant in every way. Our forwards were soft. Somehow the lead up, the jersey distribution, the FOGS, the hoopla....it is almost laughable in its ongoing nature. Some would say it becomes boring. If the pre game camp was three days long would much change on the field?

One thing to me was obvious: when you pick forwards from Manly they only play half a game. They were logging off at the 60 minute mark, like most weeks. Lyon was more line than lion. Parra players do stupid, reckless things and Bulldogs players are used to losing. In all honesty, who was going to score a try for us?

Kurt Gidley is massively over rated.

2. Did anyone see George Rose run out for Manly v Nth QLD? It has been a while since someone the FAT n the guts has played first grade. He was simply too fat. Can anyone think of a fatter player in first grade? Mark Tookey would be up there...

3. Super 14 met its deserved death as a comp early Sunday morning. Publicity was at an all time low and rugby has problems. The Bulls won again. Big whoop. The comp would be better off letting South Africa teams play Argentina and NZ teams play Australian ones. No one quite cares. They have massive problems. Even Sydney Uni can't win a game.

4. Cricket. Bangladesh have some hide. There they are at Lords the home of cricket and can't win a thing anywhere. They should be playing up the road. They love batting but can't bowl...and they...can't throw! They love rain because it is their best chance of a draw, but cannot cope with swing or bounce.

5. Has Ben Hilfenhaus had his leg removed? Can anyone recall a cricketer having more time off than him? Even Shane Watson kept coming back and annoying us. DK and Thommo had a struggle, but nothing like Hilfenhaus. Harry Kewell and Jana Pittman may have been more injured...Eric Grothe senior....

6. AFL. Richmond win in what could only be described as ridiculous conditions to play anything resembling sport. That field will be wrecked for the year. They may just keep a little of their pride....it's a long way back. Swans continue the rot. Brisbane Lions had a strong win v Collingwood. Hard to beat at home.

7. Dunno about you but the Socceroos are looking tired and old for mine. We are going to struggle. With one striker we are looking negative before we start. Craig Moore is too old. Experience only gets you so far. Pim Verbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek needs a haircut. He is kidding.

8. Tennis. Hewitt will never beat Nadal. In fact no one is likely to beat him in the French (although he had a shock loss last year). Stosur looking good but Henin will crush her. She has lost weight, is winning more but remains one of the worst sorts on the circuit.

9. Webber. Another pole position and leading the driver's championship. He might just surprise everyone after an inglorious season start. It would be one of the great comebacks!

Wrap - Blooper 14

Boys,

1. Swans have hit rock bottom and will be doing well to make the semis. Their roster is a bit hollow. A high degree of 'sameness' in the build and profile of their players meaning that as injuries hit, there is little to go to. Roos sounds like he is ready to walk before the scheduled exit. He's had enough and so have we. Nice to see Fremantle firing up and Melbourne sparking. Gets a bit boring with Geelong certain to win the comp again.

2. NRL without Origin stars is TERRIBLE. The standard is awful. Parramatta - what a disgrace v Cronulla. Scoring tries off blokes heads, knees and through intercepts makes them think they have it all. Can't get excited about Kris Keating. Too small and runs across field too much. Would have killed them in the U/8's but this is NRL. Souths no better. Tigers scratchy. Look elsewhere.

3. Super 14. This business of playing finals when no one gives a tinker's cuss (1am and 3am in AUST - 3am and 5am in NZ) and could not be bothered to get up needs some serious reconsideration. This kills all interest. Who the hell will get up and watch the final next week? Engrave "The Bulls" on the cup and call it off. JOKE!

4. Brendan Canon (Sunday Telegraph) absolutely gave it to Tahu for some very dumb comments re Origin jumpers being more valuable than a Wallabies one! Stupidity. However we must have better rugby correspondents than him and Frier to write in Sydney papers. Both were so so and neither has much authority. Good to see Penrith Rugby start to get ahead a little of late, beating West Harbour and Warringah. Lost !st Grade colts by 100 however. NSW Rugby might just be putting their hands in their pockets beyond Gladesville Bridge.

5. Is Chris Gayle the problem with West Indies cricket? I reckon he is. Too laid back, no value for his wicket, too interested in the bling - not the swing or ding - and a bad example for all teammates. Tough, but think about it. The fish rots at the head.

6. Jose Mourinho. Inter Milan win UEFA Final 2-0 and he continues his formula. Buy the best players. Insist on it and then use them to further your cause as a coach. He can write his own ticket and price now. "The Special One"

7. State of Origin. Is it just me or has the shine been well and truly lost from State of Origin? Years ago there was a genuine rivalry - the King and no interchange among other things. Is the modern version better? NO. There are no real 'hated' figures - or characters - in either team. Choppy, the King, the Axe, Geyer, Chief, Pricey, Artie. Tame and clinical now. Pity.

The Wrap - No Sheen Left

1. Good to see Souths do something well. Is Tim Sheens a protected species? He has presided over almost perpetual failure since the Tigers won the comp in the mid 1990's. He has some questions to answer. They have a good roster and going backwards. Apparently, the Bye also beats Melbourne and they do not get those points either. The cheating has been thwarted at every turn.

2. This legal contest by four Melbourne Storm directors tells me they too are going to go down soon. This may well be their attempt to discredit the NRL before the guillotine falls on their heads. Good to see Brian Waldron's great mate - Roy Masters - finally get off his digs and write a long awaited article in the SMH on the weekend. He is pathetic. He knows everything that happened and is trying to cover up for a mate. He will be exposed as well - maybe even by his brother, Chris Masters who was formerly with the ABC Four Corners programme. Such is his known guilt by association that he actually made it clear in his article that he went overseas on business and now returns. Sounds like he has been watching Underbelly.

3. Jamie Lyon. If he is selected we lose. His strike rate in NSW colours is abysmal. He is a hex. Surely Idris needs to be there. He has been the biggest impact player since Folau and is ready. If we have Kimmorley, Bird, Tahu, Barrett, Mason, Hindmarsh...yesterday's heroes. we simply have got nothing now. Throwin the ill discipline of O'Donnell, Carney, Gallen...and we lose again. Time to clear the decks.

4. Cricket - 20/20 Final. Michael Hussey suddenly can write his own ticket for inclusion in the Aussie team in all forms of the game. His form has never been better. By the way, the bowler who threw down those last over pies was a disgrace. He could be heading to the Afghanistan TAB as we speak. England will be tough to beat if Pietersen hits a score.

5. Can anyone explain why we have not had a World Cricket Championship here in years? We have to put up with crap TV schedules for games in the Windies and everywhere else - yet we never seem to get a 20-20 or ODI World Cup here...just a lame World XI v. Australia game five years ago. James Sutherland is truly soft.

6. Rugby Super 14 has hit its high point right now. The way it reaches a high point is tremendous for the game, but then it has four in the semis. Suddenly with two games in South Africa we won't see anything and the semis become largely irrelevant. NOt a bad season for Australia - Waratahs in South Africa have a shocking record. Brumbies and Reds did well, but at least one province in each country is floundeing, showing a dearth of talent and depth in SANZAR rugby. Enter Melbourne Rebels.

7. AFL. Collingwood on fire but what about the Swans. Now in free fall and about to get worse with Fremantle next week. What about this AFL crew and their drugs policy? Let's use as many illicit substances as possible and report stats (14 new drug cases this year) but do nothing about them. This is an utterdisgrace. Their tolerance of this needs to be exploded. Otherwise things will not ever improve. JOKE.

8. Mark Webber. Could it be that he is finally getting it right? Losing Monaco from poll position is unheard of. Hopefully he can do this right and get to the lead. He is never far away from disappointment.

9. Hewitt. On the verge of breaking a momentous record about the number of Davis Cup wins for Australia - EVER. Pretty impressive. May never get beaten in our lifetimes.

10. Drogba. Mark him down as close to the best in the world - esp post World Cup. Winner at the FA Cup Final in the weekend was another cracker.

11. By the way, in case you hadn't heard, some girl Jessica arrived in Sydney Harbour the other day on a pink boat.

Wrap - Crunch Time - 9/5/10

1. Storm. This team not only cheats but repeatedly upsets our punter's club with their inept performances in 2010. Amazing what having a similar quality of player base does to them (Smith out). A strong victory by the Broncos however just when we thought they were finished. Titans win the arm wrestle games repeatedly - no frills - but will be nervous about the salary cap story brewing on Four Corners. Sounds like they could be next on the salary cap scrapheap. (Some way or another, those bloody Rabbits will make the semis).

2. Test match - AUST v NZ. I hear the new stadium in Melbourne is leaking day one? Surely Bluey ran the hose over it before the scaffolding was taken down?? Joke. Looks like the playing surface is better than most. Synthetic grass is on it? Not something else fake and false down Melbourne way.

3. Dave Warner. Can anyone believe this bloke did not get the first Cricket Australia contract? He is a genuine entertainer - albeit erratic - and puts bums on seats. He is the future of our cricket, as much as the purists don't want to hear it. Can anyone understand why Sehwag and Tendulkar are not in the World Cup Team? Dravid and Ganguly for that matter. India will be smashed once those blokes retire. Their golden era is near completion. Aussies favourites with World 20/20.

4. AFL. Well Sydney are genuine pretenders after all. Geelong are different with Ablett on deck. They will be there when the whips are cracking. The drive to Geelong from Melbourne is enough to put you off your game - let alone a flight from anywhere in Australia first. Western Bulldogs scratchy at best (Feburary premiers), Collingwood on fire and Freo have held that last train in 2010 and could be good. Brisbane disappoint more often than not.

5. EPL. Chelsea need a win - so do ManU. They are smart in the EPL. All games kick off at the same time in the final round so there is no 'dead rubber' and so those missing out and achieving do it with no influence from other games. Can you imagine the NRL being this strategic?

6. Rugby Union - Super 14. Still can't get my head around why we have four in the semis only - especially when the comp grows from 12 to 14 and then to 15. The comp is tight and improving, but why not cash in on the enthusiasm and energy? The comp seems to dwindle into oblivion each year. No free to air coverage condemns the game really.

The Wrap: Missing The Cut With Every Goose In Town

1. Australian Team v Kiwis. Fancy Jamie Lyon being the centre ahead of Jamal Idris/ Timanha Tahu/ Chris Lawrence/ Michael Jennings. Joke. Folau was dudded too with talk of leaving Broncos. He would have gone to the Storm if they had Waldron there still diddling the books. Storm dominate both teams and combined basically have a Test team. Funny that. (Slater, Inglis, Cronk, Smith...and Blair, Manu..throw in Hoffman and White for City v Country).

2. What about the City v Country teams. Every Goose in town is there: Carney, Bird, Lafranchi, Luke O'Donnell, Bryce Gibbs. We cannot win Origin in 2010 with this line up. They personify ill discipline and simply lack brains. Enough said.

It looks like they have either Kimmorley or Hodkinson in line as NSW Origin halfback....ho hum....Josh Dugan or Lachlan Coote look to be Gidley or Hayne's understudies. Raw. Can't beat QLD with that.

Parramatta surprisingly well represented: Tahu, Burt, Mannah, Kris Keating...and Hayne. No sign of Hindmarsh who is far too slow in attack for Origin level. Thought Mortimer may have figured ahead of Hodkinson (ex Parra).

3. How bad are the Warriors? Fair dinkum, they could not hit water if they fell out of a boat. Losing v Canberra rivals Parramatta's loss to Cronulla earlier in the year as the worst of the season. Has Manly ever been a softer outfit - getting a lead and repeatedly getting run down?

4. Rugby is becoming embarrassing. There it is on Fox Sports every Saturday in prime time and all we see are penalties and little else. It is slow - and the NRL is a click or two away. Interesting that Channel 9 recently signed a free to air deal for "highlights" only. Just as well. The rest is crap. By the way, the boredom is best represented by the lack of knowledge people hold (in general) for each Super 14 franchise and its name. Straw poll in the street: Lions, Cheetahs, Hurricanes, Stormers...does anyone give a rodent's rectum?

The other stupidity is their finals structure. A top eight would be far more intense. Top four...stay on the field at halftime...mum's oranges...unprofessional.

5. Toyota Cup. What about this farce? Let's all play touch football. The new generation of footballers don't tackle around legs, they don't do the fundamentals that hard heads cut their teeth on in the game. They play like millionaires and hope they get paid like it too. Don't do any defence though.

6. The resurgence of Tottenham Hotspur under Harry Redknapp has been phenomenal. They lie with a huge chance of being in the top four for European Football next year. Best since El Tel! Chelsea v Liverpool should be a cracker tonight. Chelsea win - should win the lot!

7. Sam Stosur is on fire. Funny how she has dropped about twenty kilos over the last year and has achieved success. Female Australian Tennis stars are right next to the rocking horse dung on the shelf.

8. AFL. Swans about to be tested after a few softer opponents. Getting up to 20 points in the first five weeks almost guarantees a semi final spot however. Get to 30 or 40 and you are in. Freo doing better than ever before too. Richmond should shut down - again.

9. Floyd Mayweather beats Mosely. What about his record? 41-0. Impressive - and copped an early hammering too. Tough stuff.

10. Bit concerned about the Red Sox start to the year. Can't recall a worse start.

11. What about the great Tiger missing the cut. Some blokes - mostly Aussies - do this every week. No big deal. I reckon he might come back. Sooner the divorce is finalised the better. He went better when he was out of control.

The Wrap - Whistling Dixie 25/4/10

1. Melbourne Storm. What about the conspiracies? David Gallop looks like he has trodden in dog shiite. Cat's bum mouth. He obviously knows a lot more than we know. It is clearly set to be more deceptive and more extensive than first announced. Slater playing AFL? Can't see that at all. Folau...yes! Brian Waldron's speech on the Footy Show last year (replayed yesterday) was really quite treacherous in the current context.

Part of Melbourne's problem is Bellamy's response. There appears to be very little contrition or concern that cheating like this has hurt opposition teams and has seen his side advantaged over others. He does not seem to get that. Nor does Gus Gould for that matter.

The turn out by the crowd in Melbourne to see them v Warriors was a great show of strength - especially anti NSW sentiment. Is any publicity good publicity in those parts? It could make the club stronger in the very areas of public profile, marketing and membership where it has struggled.

The sponsors who foresake a team or player in tough times are weak sponsors who generally lead inexperienced and poor business ventures. Uncanny that.

2. Sep Blatter. Is there a bigger snake in the grass than this bloke? He tells everyone what they want to hear..."You are doing a great job on the World Cup preparations (code for 'you are in trouble..hurry up')...Oceania deserve automatic qualification...Qatar should host the first 'Asian' (huge scope in that definition) World Cup...and DESERVE to..."

He is a huge liar who is becoming so unconvincing it is embarrassing. He goes back to Europe and they feed him his medication, readjust the electrodes, charge him up and set him straight again. More back downs than a gay bar. At least Juan Antonio Samaranch was just a hard headed fool who told people they were the best AFTER the event. (RIP by the way).

3. ManU hover threateningly. Beating everyone with spirit even with key personnel out. Chelsea will be ahead with a likely victory over Stoke tonight going in to the last rounds. ManU have Sunderland and Stoke in the final two rounds. Chelsea have Liverpool and Wigan. ManU loom as favourites - even though they may be behind on the table.

4. St George v Roosters was a sensational atmosphere. Great ground the SFS - even if it takes you till half time to get a pie and go to the dunny. Great intensity. Roosters defence finally muscled up a little, but the Dragons' goaline defence was superb. They win the arm wrestle more often than not. They are favourites for the comp with no Storm. The Raiders surrender of a 20 point lead was appalling against Souths who finally played some footy. Panthers doing a lot right without frills and the Sharks suddenly look like someone else (ex -Storm) will get the spoon.

Which team can't make the top eight/ nine this year? No excuses this year.

5. Referees. After The Wrap's well timed comments last week re referees, this was heard by the NRL and what a difference it made. One whistle is better than two. Imagine two refs in International Rugby!!!!

6. Reds. Still Ewan McKenzie forges on. He is a proven winner and the Reds look the goods. Fancy the Crusaders losing to the Western Joke. They should hang their heads.

7. How about that USA 400 metre runner LaShawn Merrit who was done for drugs after pursuing penis enlargement therapies. His quote: "To know that I've tested positive as a result of a product that I used for personal reasons is extremely difficult to wrap my hands around," Merritt said in the release. Wishful. Outstanding!

He continues: "Any penalty that I may receive for my action will not overshadow the embarrassment and humiliation that I feel inside." Or is that humiliation he feels "outside".Wonderful stuff. Give it away you galoot.

8. Brisbane's loss to Melbourne had all the signs coming - big heads the lot of them. Voss seems to encourage it. can't win a comp with that. Melbourne look to have turned a bend (as opposed to a corner). Swans on top of the comp is a shock. Lots of running, but watch out when it rains - they'll struggle. Collingwood seem to produce at ANZAC Day each year - pity they don't have this public holiday in September.

Have a good week.

Is Brian Waldron on suicide watch? Look after him down Melbourne way.

Wrap - Special Salary Cap Rorts Edition

The biggest footy story since John Farragher - or John Ribot's defection to Super League - or even the change of Ribot's name from 'Ribot de Bresac' just to 'Ribot'.

Who was the bloke who left the door to the other room unlocked - and the filing cabinet? Bluey? "Whoops...sorry mate..."

Fair dinkum, this business of 'well orchestrated deception'....really the NRL need to check better. Five years to find it all? Hopeless. Schubert is struggling to count with his fingers these days.

If they had exceeded the cap by what is effectively $340,000 per year (one key player), would they have been docked eight points? Probably not. They have been hit hard. Not counting the points this year is a joke.

Instead now, no team will come forward. 'Thanks for being honest (after five years of crap)....here have this sledgehammer over your head'. Watch for CEO retirements. Mick Watson at the Warriors was the first one..now Waldron.

Just put an asterix next to the Storm in the programme, erase their names from the JJ Giltnan Shield and give two of their best players to the Sharks. 2cm margin on that page please too.

My thought is that we may now find that 15 clubs (ex Sharks) have been doing the same. Then what? Call off the season? Announce Sharks as Premiers now.

Can anyone help but think the Broncos under Bennet were not doing something similar in the early 90's?

Good moment for News Limited to drop involvement in rugby league now. Hardly think a boring Partnership Agreement is helped by this.

The game in Melbourne has been rooted. Everyone loves a winner but not a cheating winner.

Anyone for a footy rape scandal...a public urination...taxi rank biff...poo in a shoe...a domestic violence matter...a pub brawl...a theft...a sex tape scandal...

In the words of Dolf "It may even get a mention on the Footy Show tonight".

Regards,

Wrap - Parramatta 2009 Premiers

Breaking news:

THE MELBOURNE Storm have been stripped of two premierships and three minor premierships for rorting the salary cap by $1.7 million over the past five seasons.
NRLchief executive David Gallop has just announced the punishment at a 4pm press conference at NRL headquarters at Moore Park.

Bloody cheating Mexicans. How about that the false bastards. No wonder Waldron has left. Unbelievable

Wrap - Tats = Goose?

1. Parra finally off the ropes, but what about the two refs and the ridiculous sin binnings. Surely someone needs to look at the effectiveness of two referees. It seems to be getting worse - not better.

2. Tendulkar. Clearly the best in the business. His power for a small bloke is incredible. His record in ODI, Tests, IPL, 20/20, the lot is unbelievable and he has three years or so left - even more. Will finish the best since Bradman (Best bat in IPL is Ganguly however. Plenty of steel).

3. Todd Carney. Is there a PHD student out there prepared to analyse the correlation between whether the more tats on one's body, the greater the goose. I can name a few to start with - Ben Cousins, Mundine, Fevola, Matt Rogers....now get to work.

4. Super 14. Ewan McKenzie is quite a trick. He is the best coach we have. Can't wait to see him take over from Robbie Deans. We could revisit a Macqueen era. The Reds were gone last year. Now they look like they can win the thing. By the way, where is the bearded wolfman ACT Brumbies coach from a couple of years ago these days?

5. AFL. Freo finally look like they may threaten. Richmond should merge with anyone. Maybe a Tasmanian team. Swans look sharp on a dry track. The wet will kill them however once winter kicks in. Geelong, St Kilda strong again.

6. Mick Malthouse. Is this guy kidding or what? Somehow he thinks he is above the rest, but his record at Collingwood is modest at best - and nowhere near his record at West Coast when he was afar more pleasant Neville Nobody. What was his penalty for bringing the game into disrepute? AFL needs to toughen up. A push in the back can get the opposition a 50 metre penalty, yet you can call blokes whatever you like, insult the fans and dictate to everyone else. Demetriou needs to get a grip. The image of that game has slipped since he started.

7. Mark Webber. Red Bull are fast, but this bloke is Captain Calamity. He remains the worst driver at the top end of drivers. Red Bull must just shake their heads. Error.

8. Chelsea. can anyone believe the stupidity of some of these blokes sometimes? Money seems to corrupt the spirit. Four points clear - and a win can almost put it our of reach. What do they do? Lose! Now ManU are right back in it. Hopeless. Tottenham couldn't beat Portsmouth midweek - then knock over Chelsea!

9. Typhoon Tracey. Fair dinkum dud in a big field. Did not navigate the race properly - especially on the bend. Seemed to get the Randwick turn wrong, then it was too late. Not the greatest race. In the fair dinkum stakes, when Rangirangdoo wins you know it was a field of plodders. Insulting to the past greats like Sunline really. Drumbeats getting back to some good form.

Have a good week.