Wrap - A Marvellous Wrap That

1. Richie Benaud story... I need to share a Richie story... Coming out right of the end of a day's play of test cricket at the SCG some 5-10 years back with another Richie (Roberts), we were heading up that old driveway from the back of the MA Noble on foot. It was absolutely packed. Suddenly, against all odds, came a very austere and regal looking yellow Sunbeam - number plates CAT 212 - looking to politely nudge its way through a spirited and drunken throng of fans. As the crowd recognised the great Richie Benaud behind the wheel, the calls went up "Hey it's Richie"..."get out the way"..."it's bloody Richie"..."two-one-two"..."what a catch!"....Suddenly and majestically, the crowd parted and his car got plenty of bitumen. Richie had the window down and in that Billy Birmingham voice he said "thanks fellas"..."great work"....the car disappeared onto Moore Park Road. Very bloody funny.

One final word - his uniqueness is in his name. How many words have a silent 'd' (as in Benaud) at the end?

2. I was quiet last week after watching the pathetic game last week (Eels v Tigers), but it needs to be said: this Eels team is worse than in 2014. Fan or no fan, the truth needs to be told - and told early.

The main problem is not Hayne's flight...it is the same problem - a lack of brains in that squad. Sign dumb blokes, get more dumb plays. Logical. Who is their leader? Who seriously inspires? Again, a total lack of recruiting intelligence. Foran is a start, but get rid of dumb arses.

Half the team have been in the clink...or in trouble with the law...betting scandals and on it goes Watmough, Ma'u, Sandow, Wicks...Peats, Nelson... Tough yes, but smart?

That team also lacks try scorers. They simply do not have points in them.

Sandow needs to be sacked now. How his re-signing could be seriously entertained is beyond me. He is mediocre and not a leader. His fifth tackle options are horrible. He is also a total liability in defence which hurts his exhausted teammates. Am I the only one that sees this? Paulo is ordinary too. Too slow. Who re-signed Ryan Morgan? Surely that was a pissed joke. Sandow being re-signed will prolong the current agony.

Can someone get in their car and find blokes who are not dumb? When will the psychometric test become part of signing competition winners? It matters.

Their displays in the last two weeks have been appalling. Mickey/ Wayne/ Brad Arthur is under pressure...he might need to find the local Centrelink. To be thumped so badly by the lowly Titans at home is terrible, terrible club leadership that costs the whole organisation.

Hard to believe there is not one kid in the whole Parramatta area who can score tries...or a half back...come on! Weren't Robson, Green and Hodkinson all ex Parra players? Keep Morgan and now seek Tupou who was let go? A mess.

3. Jamie Lyon. Manly will be different when he returns. They will not get the spoon.

3A. That St George defence is awesome. Sustained over numerous weeks. September material.

4. Swans awesome in Adelaide. Where was that defence in the GF? North looking in good touch...Western Bulldogs too. Can there be light for GWS? Two wins but some tough opponents are needed. The Demons need a bullet. A hopeless display after such promise in round one. What about the Bulldogs? A great effort v the ever disappointing Richmond Tigers. Essendon have done well. Better than could ever be expected.

5. Is there a bigger excuse maker than Mick Malthouse? His Carlton team is going backwards fast.

6. What gives with the stupid jersies for some NRL clubs? Newcastle look like Balmain...and the Tigers look like Newcastle - why? Stick solid to your own. Do fans really buy these crappy jersies?

7. Perth Glory. Don't you love that David Gallop whining voice re salary caps? There needs to be new thinking on this space. I am quite partial to overspenders contributing double that overspent amount to the other clubs.

8. Speith has been sparkling. The Masters continues to be a tremendous event. However, the last round at Augusta is always haunting. Tiger has done surprisingly well.

10. Lewis Hamilton is absolutely dominant. Call it now.

Wrap - Typical Bulldogs

1. It is no surprise James Graham (Canterbury captain) is at the centre of another example of crass stupidity and ill discipline. Is this the same bloke who bit Billy Slater in a Grand Final? Is it the same bloke who on a Mad Monday passed lewd and disgusting comments against a young female journalist who would rather eat crap than touch him? Is this the same bloke who smashed heads (deliberately?) with Sam Burgess in the opening tackle of the Grand Final Terry Lamb style? And is it the same bloke who has become captain of a club that seriously needs to look at itself when it is not succeeding? Sorry Adam, you're out for five months now. Of course it was a penalty. The timing was poor of course, but grow up.

2. The inconsistent NRL will probably impose a life ban on someone the way they are going. Not a good look for the CEO to have a string of driving offences. Gravy train perceptions abound. One thing is for sure...for instant change, deduct points off the Bulldogs and have games with NO Bulldog fans permitted in the ground (possible?) at a neutral venue eg. Central Coast. That might surprise a few people connected with the club and show the likes of David Klemmer that his behaviour was a disgrace too.

Can anyone explain why Klemmer went to the bin - and not Graham? Both should have gone.

3. Cut to the AFL where apart from their drugs policy and a few wayward niteclub incidents - and a schemozzle with ASADA, they get most things right. The Western Bulldogs were sensational. The Swans unimpressive, but magnificent when it counted. Richmond might just cause some problems.

4. Well done to Grant Hackett on his comeback, but you have to wonder where the rest of the talent is hiding. Perhaps the critics are right...there are too many soft people these days for true success. Is Hackett that good...maybe he is. At least if he's in the pool he can't throw furniture at anyone.

5. Brad Haddin. Has he announced his retirement yet? Seemingly he is a protected species with Clarke around the team. I noticed Peter Nevill won the NSW Cricket Steve Waugh Medal - and he was selected for the Ashes Tour. The clock is ticking.

6. Jarryd Hayne. His publicity machine is working overtime - and successfully. The hangers on will be happy every time they get some obscure 49ers official in the NFL to say what we already know..."the guy has potential"...time to deliver or return to the NRL.

Here's a question...do Parramatta go better without relying on him, accommodating his every wish and allowing him to run his own race? The Tigers might answer that tomorrow. I can't see that there is a massive difference in their results...no star quality and sparkle necessarily, but not a significant loss. The game moves on.

7. How's that QLD Reds coach travelling? I think I gave him till May. The Super Rugby quality is getting worse. Does it deserve a TV deal?

8. What issue/ topic is most boring: (a) Stephen Dank (b) Ian Thorpe or (c) ASADA. One thing for certain, Shane Warne is not. He can say anything he likes and gets away with it. He should be knighted very soon. If Botham can get one...

Wrap - Head Like a Smashed Crab

1. World Cup. Australia v New Zealand. The bowling of Johnson, Starc and Faulkner was superb. Clarke has hustled and steered the team wonderfully. I was interested to see he did not name George Bailey as his successor. Bailey must feel ripped off. Not a favourite with Ian Chappell and Shane Warne who run the team from the commentary box.

I must say that Maxwell has executed two stunning run outs in the last two games - one on the disinterested, self centred Dohni and the other on the NZ NO. 11. Match turners.

Haddin had a lot to say for a bloke who should retire. He kept well, but plays a surprisingly low game sometimes.

Watson and Finch are far too slow in the field for the modern game. They also both have lumbering front feet and terribly susceptible to LBW or bat pad dismissals. Hence Finch will never play Tests.

I must say that Warner produces an awful lot when under pressure. A special talent.

I've heard every whinge about cricket, but "heavy bails" is a cracker. Did anyone notice they were the same for both teams?

2. The Sheffield Shield is a joke. Not only did Victoria "win", but they change the rules for the Grand Final. Four day games all year - then a five day final. Changes to the rules need to occur. The final has become irrelevant. Play for a draw and you win. This is ridiculous. Hard to fathom when they did not win on first innings and did not force a result. Let's reward negativity.

3. Cronulla. A great area, but their footy team? Give me strength. Their errors and looseness is something else. They have more excuses than Luke Foley.

I cannot believe Parramatta are looking to keep Sandow. I hope they put him on lay by. He plays well one week and terrible the next. Too inconsistent for mine and can hardly win a comp for a club.

4. Ricky Stuart. When you are putting your team "on notice" after three rounds, you are at risk of losing the dressing room. Ricky rarely smiles and is too negative to coach at this level. He is under massive pressure and does not manage his own emotions. He knows how to lose...Cronulla, Parramatta and Canberra.

What about Jason Taylor? That will end in tears for sure. He has a face like a smashed crab. His own pressure on himself is hard to disguise to the team. Contrast this to Rick Stone who seems to be your average bloke who is a smart operator. He is also winning with an unlikely bunch.

5. Waratahs. "Winning ugly" is personified in their style. They look like they can get it right, but are not consistent. They should have an Eel on their logo.

6. Socceroos. Amazing to see a 2-2 result. Some sort of effort to be up 2-1 at the 80 minute mark. A victory there may have helped their world ranking. Ange may make it to the EPL yet!

Wrap - The Wolf of Robina

1. Shane Watson. Hasn't hit the ball this well since the Brut advertisement. When Watson has a good game it's almost as if we all should genuflect and be grateful. Girls around the globe are probably meant to be doing handstands in front of the dryers at public toilets.

2. Liked the cut of the gib of Pakistan's quick -Wahiiiiib!!! Had a bit of the Wasim Akram's about him. Great pace.

3. The Windies...when there is a collapse and a shemozzle, they are close by. Lazy, self indulged. A casualty of not really representing a single nation. No accountability. Gulptil in great nick!

4. Adam Voges is finally doing what Messrs Love, Law, Siddons, Cox, Hills et al did. Score heaps of Shield runs. He is our next Test batsman. Another ton. This time in the Shield Final. Great effort by the Vics to get there, but they are done now for mine.

5. Manly. Still a champion team. Brookvale is a dog of a field. Wet, heavy and falling apart. There needs to be an investigation into this. The Dogs will be hard to beat in 2015. Josh Jackson is a definite Origin player.

6. I noticed Ryan Morgan was selected for Parramatta. He holds a world record at Sportsbet for being singlehandedly responsible for blowing out the team's price by 90 cents. He is Captain turnstile.

7. Essendon beat that underwhelming excuse making mob, the Melbourne Demons. No one is listening Mr Roos. This pre season nonsense knows no end. Ban the trial game.

8. If Sepp Blatter told you it was sunny, you would have to check. Standing next to him you'd keep a hand on your wallet. He will be appointed as head of ICAC when they finally lever his barnacled butt off the hull of SS Corruption.

9. Surely Chelsea cannot lose the EPL from here. ManU have had a great year really.

10. Let it be said that the Western Sydney Wanderers are now officially woeful and would not score at Greg Bird's buck's night. Why do I always think of the Wolf of Wall Street when I think of Greg Bird's buck's night?

Wrap - Drinking From The Bubbler of Stupidity

1. Mitchell Starc has responded well to Warnie's justified blast and is becoming a world force. His inswinger is well overdue. Now if he could just show Mitchell Johnson how to hit the stumps. Why is Johnson always exempt from criticism? He has the ability to single handedly lose us the World Cup. "Quick"...yes, quick to the fence and over it too.

2. Time for the minnows to go away and stop annoying people. Scotland should be banished forever. Something highly comical about their bowlers sledging Australians. A bit like Shane Heal sledging Charles Barkley all those years ago at the Olympics. UAE not much better.

There were some troubling signs in our win over Scotland. Firstly, Clarke was so concerned about not batting last time he heeds the media pressure and opens. Clearly under pressure. Then he hits 47 off 47 balls - old fashioned slowness as the clouds descend upon Hobart (why are we playing night games in Hobart?). Then old mate Shane (25 runs max) Watson returns to number 3. Was this the same bloke who was dropped last week?

Imagine this...rain hit and kept them off, seeing the match abandoned. Clarke and his slow effort against a world minnow would have been smashed. We would have been facing South Africa.

3. The Ramp Shot. We almost saw another death of a batsman...an Irish bloke who has struggled with the drink, by the name of O' Mooney, O' Dalton or O'Dear. It should be banned for mine. How are those new helmets coming along? They must be making them with paper mache. The bloody pipe cleaners and crepe paper must have just about dried and the painted paddle pop sticks should be ready to glue together. How slow has that been? The ICC have been disgraceful. It should have happened world wide months ago.

4. The whole bloody World Cup could be compressed to three weeks. It drags on like the M2 Motorway renovations - or the Parramatta-Epping railway...or the Badgery Creek second Sydney airport.

5. It is clear that if Kevin Pietersen is to make an English comeback, he will need a voice transplant. He has a voice that makes blokes fists twitch. No wonder he was punted.

6. Noticed NSW are staring at another shambolic visit to the WACA and their demise as Shield finalists. They cannot buy a wicket.

7. Last week, Parramatta fans were lining up for Grand Final tickets. This week they are back at Woolies checking out wooden spoons. Rabbits on track.

8. Daniel Riccardo. Top bloke but in a car that Mercedes have lapped with technology. Lewis Hamilton could almost take the rostrum every week.

9. Poor old Todd Carney. He was right after all. You can urinate in your own mouth, have some nuffie take a picture of it, publish it, be interviewed by the world's biggest goose apologist in Danny Wiedler, offend most people in world sport, alienate the code's last remaining female supporters and ruin the reputation of every decent person at your club and in the game...and be totally justified that his club did the wrong thing. The world has gone mad. It's official. In a word or two Todd: piss off.

Wrap - Watto Blotto

1. Clarke. Has he not simply reinforced to everyone why George Bailey should be captain? He holds himself out of the Afghans line of fire as he pursues a world record (?). Then he scores a solid but unspectacular 68 off 68 balls v the Lankans. He is an ODI shipwreck really. Respected but not suited.

2. Watson getting dropped was overdue...but one game? Surely Mitchell Marsh is warming as the "next" Watson. Plenty of hype and plenty of injuries. George Bailey must be feeling bad, but he will bide his time and resume after the World Cup. Tough when other blokes could not hit sand if they fell over at the beach.

3. Are Ireland and Afghanistan actually better than Zimbabwe and Bangladesh? Apparently the pitches in Afghanistan are an absolute minefield to bat on.

4. There are also not many good safe places across the world ending in '-stan'...Pakistan, Khuzestan, Afghanistan...Punchbowlstan.

5. Parramatta turn in their most aggressive performance in a game for years. Can they back up? The commentators were asking what Reece Robinson was thinking of when he was setting up for goal...the answer? Getting away from Canberra and Rickety Stuart.

Getting Foran would be a huge signing for Parramatta. Manly's tradition of success will linger...they always defy the odds. They will find a new DCE - like they did finding him.

Bunnies, Roosters, Eels and Panthers were the pick of the teams this weekend, but very early days. Warriors were appalling and the Broncos not much better.

6. This time of year is when the AFL should be having a really close look at themselves. The same teams bow out early of the NAB Challenge every season. eg. Swans. They do not do pre-season or post season (The Irish Malarkey Ball) very well at all. Get on with the real show and ditch the freak show.

7. Glenn Maxwell showed some ticker and some freakish abilities v Sri Lanka. Starc has never moved the ball more. Johnson is back to his old ways when he was cannon fodder. First Brendan McCullum - now Dilshan (the Sydney Thunder world record dud signing). It is a special moment to be knocked for 6 fours in one over.

8. Waratahs looked solid. The Reds however look like they need a new coach already. I am going to officially give the reds Head Coach, Richard Graham till 30 May before he is sacked.

9. Davis Cup. This is still one of the great events really in world sport. immense interest and lots of old fashioned skulduggery...air conditioners blowing behind opponent's serves, mirrors shining in eyes, hooters/ horns/ vuvuzelas, distractions...magnificent viewing.

10. Luckiest bloke ever - Karmichael Hunt. However drugs will re-visit him - or someone else who may be a heavy hitter may re-visit him. No risk.

Wrap - Guess What?

1. Guess what? "Watto is just hitting the ball so well in the nets". Great news...getting old. Is anyone not hitting the ball well in the nets? I actually think he is a weak link that opponents exploit now. His inclusion puts added pressure on the team mates. Faulkner and Mitchell Marsh will end his reign. Maybe he'll break 20 against Afghanistan.

2. NZ. Never seem to play under lights. Why? On bigger fields and under lights they will struggle. Kane Williamson is an emerging star.

Our batting was awful. If there is a schemmozzle, Glenn Maxwell will be in there somewhere. They missed Bailey - no surprise.

3. Mitchell Johnson. Erratic. It has been a while since he has dominated. Brendan McCullum is an awesome force. NZ can't beat South Africa. The AB De Villiers innings v West Indies was awesome. Perhaps never to be repeated.

 

4. Will Eoin Morgan get sacked after a world record shortest reign as captain? That Sangakarra is a champion.

4. Federer beat Djokovic in Dubai. His resilience over time and his fitness is amazing.

 

5. The Super 15 Rugby Union season is away to a flyer with games no one can watch at a decent hour and the usual teams doing the usual things. AFL pre season cup is a poor advertisement for the game, but they get a lot of cash from it. NRL is busy shooting itself in its rs.

 

6. A big weekend for NZ with Ko winning the female golf masters and the NZ Breakers getting into the GF of the NBA.

 

7. Looking forward to the Mayweather-Pacquiao bout. That could just about be the most stunning fight in our adult lifetimes.

8. Not sure if you noticed NSW cricket got pumped up at the graveyard - the Newcastle Sports Ground. Tom Moody's son bowled well apparently.